Hesitation #943

One of the multiple reasons I'm not totally sold on an academic future.

Once more into the fray

I've decided that the thesis proposal is a very odd sort of document. I'm supposed to tell my readers everything I don't yet know about my research (having not yet done said research), and what I intend to conclude (still having not yet done the research), including why I want to do the research (that I'm supposed to predict the results of) and how I intend to go about it.

I do in fact understand why the proposal is a useful thing for both student and committee. It's just also an odd thing.

And, to be fair, it's a thing I just don't really feel like writing right now. Which is of course why I'm actually blogging. I mean, yeah, I could be working on Sunday's sermon or reading for tomorrow's class to procrastinate, but I'm not. I'm blogging and talking to Froggy online.

Bit thickheaded, here

So, in Stephen Schwarz's Children of Eden, the snake sings a song called "In Pursuit of Excellence" in which it tries to convince Eve that she ought to eat the fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden. I've been listening to this music for almost ten years now, and I just now noticed that the snake is plural in this song. That is, I'd noticed that the show's creators have in mind that multiple people will form the snake, with multiple voices, and in that sense I noticed that the snake is sort of plural. But when I've done/seen the show, it's only been played by one person, so maybe I didn't think about it as much?

Dunno. But I'm listening to it now as I read an essay about Genesis 1-3, and I just noticed that in the show, God is very much singular - played by a single man, always called Father - and the snake is very much plural - enough so that it says "be in pursuit of excellence, like us. Yet, in the Bible, God moves back and forth between singular and plural in these chapters, where the serpent is never referred to as anything but singular.

I'm inclined to think still that the snake is plural because it's a good stage device to use multiple people, and with multiple voices it makes certain sense for those voices to say "us." But now I'm wondering whether Schwarz (or someone involved in the show) reversed that plural with any intention....

Fall Semester Gender Balance Award

After the rush of the summer, and a break from both blogging and school, I'd nearly forgotten one very important ritual for the beginning of the term: our Gender Balance Award. Luckily, today one of my professors said to me "I thought of you when I made the syllabus. I didn't want to be on your list again."

So here, gentle readers (and forceful ones), is this term's breakdown, now that I've finally figured out what classes I'm taking.

Anglican Polity: Five books. The Constitution & Canons of the Episcopal Church don't really have an author, per se, but I'm comfortable claiming that the majority of deputies and bishops voting on said laws are men. Certainly those who developed the originals were men. As it happens, the other four books are all by men as well. (One is a compilation, but it's edited by men and I don't think we're reading anything by a woman.) Rating: Unacceptable.

Pentateuch: Four books. One by a man, one by a woman, one by a man and a woman, and one by two men. Rating: Good. Not totally in balance, but a little better than just acceptable. (It's not part of this particular award, but bonus points for racial-ethnic balance as well as gender balance on this syllabus.)

Relevance of Judaism in Modern Times: Um. We don't actually have books for this class. (ducks) But it's a really good class, I swear.

Thesis: Um, it's my thesis. It doesn't really have a syllabus. Neither does it have books, yet, though that will change. But it's not really a contender.


If you've been paying any sort of attention at all, you'll know that Pentateuch is the clear winner of this semester's Gender Balance Award! Congratulations, Frank!

Swamped

Working on the last paper/journal of my M.Div. career right now, and hoping to finish it tonight, but camp is oozing in through every window, door, and crack in the foundation right now, and threatening to take over my life sooner than I can afford to let it. Likely to be fairly incommunicado for a while.

Hebrew gone

Also English syntax. Sorry. I imagine in half an hour or so I'll have returned to normal English. But the Hebrew exam is done, which means that the Hebrew course also is done. It means also that I have the rest of the term to ponder music, meaning, and liturgy. Hurray for that!

Spring Quarter Gender Balance Award

Welcome back! It's that time again... I'm back in real classes, and have more or less a sense of what books we're likely to use in each class. So without further ado, here's how this term pans out:

Hebrew: Still using the same books as last term - a grammar by a man, lexicon by men, grammar handbook by two men and a woman, and the Hebrew Bible. Still only nearly acceptable, though it's not like I expected any change of books mid-course.

Theology of Music: Two books. Both are by men. (These don't count, but all the photocopies are by men too). Rating: Unacceptable.

Practicum in Liturgical Celebration: As you'll note in the original post on gender balance, I only count required books here. This class requires on the syllabus several of the recommended books, but they still don't count. I'll check when I get home, but as I recall, there are six or seven required books, and I think they're all by men. If so, that rates another unacceptable.

Pastoral Administration: No books. Ineligible.

Meaning and Ministry: Granted that the reading list isn't absolutely set, our likely list includes three men and three women, I think. Maybe four men and three women. Rating: Excellent!

Unhappily, there are once more several unacceptables. Happily, I can at least give the Gender Balance Award this term - clearly, it goes to Meaning and Ministry. I think that'll be true even if I get home and discover that Practicum has something by a woman, since M&M is a pretty even split so far.

Imperfects and Imperatives and Infinitives...

I'm in Ohio, diligently misunderstanding Hebrew, and cursing the powers that have conspired to keep me from being in class to learn it this morning.

On the other hand, the dry cleaners are going to turn around my gray pants today.

Yeah. This is a really boring post. This post is about nothing except procrastinating on more Hebrew. I'll go away now.

What Better Said

I had an inspiration high today looking for a topic for my Anglican Worship paper, and I'm heading into a crash off of it.* So here's another link, one that likely has broader appeal than the last. I stumbled across Kendall's blog yesterday and was favorably impressed (doesn't hurt that she taught at Smith for a while!). I think most readers with any experience of social justice work or any liberal leanings will probably find something familiar in this post of hers.


*For those who're interested, I'm asking "Does the rite of reconciliation have a place in the missional church?" I'm likely to say yes, because of the role of repentance and absolution in Jesus' ministry and that of the earliest apostles, but then look at how the rite itself might better serve a missional church. Input welcome, particularly from those of you with some experience of what a Seabury student means by "missional."

For the record

I'm not in favor of the new practice among historians of calling English Puritans "the godly Anglicans."

Quarter of creativity

Granted that the gender balance is off for my booklists this quarter, it looks like my classes will mostly be quite excellent this term, in terms of both individual quality and balance of learning/work styles. A rundown:

Canon Law: is pretty much what it sounds like. Lots of reading canons and legal cases. If I were taking it for credit, there'd be a final. But I'm auditing it, so it's just sitting in a class on Monday nights talking about legal stuff.

Hebrew: is, of course, a beginning language course. As any of you who have ever learned languages will know, it has its own ways of thinking, and the workload is mostly exercises and quizzes and so forth. Lots of learning really new stuff, very little critical analysis writing.

England in the Age of Reform: One of my three-hour night classes. Likely to be mostly the lecture/discussion model during class meetings, though also a snack break each time. The usual kinds of reading assignments. But instead of "write three 7 page papers" or something of the sort, there's a final project. On almost anything you want. There's a research component, but it requires only four sources and the written part is only four pages. Mostly it's a project/presentation - creativity encouraged.

Anglican Worship: This is my Typical Graduate Course (if not a typical Seabury course). Read some big thick academic books. Write a longish (20-25 page) paper. Take a final. Listen to lectures.

Missional Preaching: Seminar-style, discussion-oriented, investigative class sessions. Read two books and report in on particular chapters; preach once. Again with the creativity - we're encouraged to reflect on whether our missional preaching will be in the form of a sermon or some other means.

In some ways, it's sort of like a sabbatical. After six terms where classes have mostly involved a collection of 5-10 page papers, this term says to me, "By all means, I want you to continue using your brain in productive ways, but take a term to think really hard, explore some new areas, and do some different kinds of work, instead of the same-old, same-old. Come back again ready to do the work given you to do, even if that's more of the same old stuff." It's going to take time and effort and energy, as well it should - but it offers me a lot in return, I think.

Fall Quarter Gender Balance Award

One word: Boo.

More words: I have now been to each of my fall classes at least once, and am reasonably sure of the books assigned. Therefore, it's time for the quarterly Gender Balance Award. I'm sad to say that no one comes out particularly well this term, but let's see what we have. (I remind my readers that the Gender Balance Award isn't primarily about relative lack of horridness, but about actual achievement.)

Canon Law: One course pack consisting of case studies, which a)doesn't count as a book, and b) doesn't really even have constituent authors in the usual sense. Also the Constitution & Canons of ECUSA and of my diocese, which also don't have authors in the usual sense. Rating: Not really applicable. Nothing by women, but nothing exactly by men, either.

Hebrew: Lexicon, edited (as far as I can tell) by three men. Hebrew Bible - like the Constitution & Canons, there's not much wiggle room on authorship here, nor do we have the usual sort of authors. Grammar - by a man. Grammar key - co-authored by two men and a woman. Rating: Hmm. Well. Not what I'd call good, but not entirely abysmal, for a biblical language class, I guess. Still, I'm supposed to stick by my guns here (also I should find a less militaristic metaphor for that).... We'll call nearly acceptable.

England in the Age of Reform: Three required books, all by men. (This doesn't count, because it's not a book on my shelf, but just to be thorough: instead of two of those books, you can watch a series of DVDs. That's resource is also by a man.) Rating: Unacceptable.

Anglican Worship: Four (big) books. Three by men. One edited by a man and a woman - the man is the theologian and the woman is a publisher. The editorial committee for that one was 2/2 - not bad. The contributors, on the other hand? 7 out of 52 are women. Rating: We'll go with the "nearly acceptable" I gave to Hebrew, I guess. It's better than nothing, but it's still not a book by a woman or fairly divided between men and women.

Missional Preaching: Two books. One by two men. One by a committee that included a couple of women, but more men, and edited by a man. Rating: Unacceptable.

I'm sorry to say it, but the Gender Balance Award will not be given this quarter. I can't bring myself to give an award for anything less than an 'acceptable' rating.

We'll be off winter quarter doing field ed full time, so tune in again in the spring to see whether anyone manages to garner the Gender Balance Award then!

Relief

If I am reading my syllabus correctly, it seems that our quiz on the Hebrew alphabet will not be until Tuesday. I was so not looking forward to having a quiz during orientation - but now I see there is none scheduled then. I hope class substantiates this relief and does not destroy it.

In more mundane news...

(Ok, the last post was pretty mundane too. Whatever.)

I have spent two days unpacking, cleaning, etc. My space is now not only livable but ready for guests. This is lucky, since I have one coming for at least the day and possibly the night tomorrow, and she tends more toward the neat side than I do. There are still a few things scattered about - I haven't yet taken my vestments to be laundered, for instance, so they're over the back of the futon. But it looks like a place someone lives, rather than a place someone stores things. Also, the floors are clean. That's more of a rare treat for me than it ought to be, but there you are.

In the midst of all this, I have also managed to have two meals with friends, do a bit of cooking, eat healthy raw foods (like the yummy salad I had for first lunch today), watch two movies and ten episodes of West Wing, and do my Hebrew homework. The Hebrew homework is a strange sort of challenge, in that the assignment itself isn't tough - we're to greet each other and at least two professors in Hebrew between classe sessions, as well as practicing a particular setting of the Hamotzi. The tough thing is that I and the other Seabury students aren't actually in class yet except for Hebrew - so I barely see him, and have not seen professors at all. My solution? I have been greeting my computer in Hebrew when talking with a professor online. (We're also not supposed to write any form of Hebrew yet.)

So, by special request for those of you who complained that reading my blog didn't tell you what I did all summer, that's what I've done the last two days.

Popping in...

No, I'm not still stuck in the paper. Yes, I finished it. Yes, I have my doubts about it, but I'm not enumerating them here where my professor can read my doubts before my paper. Yes, we've finished both classes and graduation. I've also done three parties, one Official Trustee Dinner, and an ordination; tomorrow I'll go to an installation, Monday a curriculum meeting and lunch, Tuesday a lunch meeting about my field ed, games with Pippa, and Tuesday night dinner... etc. I leave for Cleveland-y parts on Friday, then Saturday I go shopping for summer clothes that aren't camp-appropriate, and Sunday I start my internship - which is an 11-week parish gig.

So while I think I'll be around more starting tomorrow (heck, I haven't even read blogs since Wednesday, I don't think) - if I'm not, you'll know why.

crap.

I've been plugging right along on my Matthew paper, and was feeling encouraged that this was really going to happen in the time remaining before the due date without too much blood and tears. But now I'm stuck. Stuck, stuck, stuck. I'm about a quarter of the way down page 12 of what I think will be 17 pages, and I'm stuck. I've got an outline that tells me what I'm supposed to talk about, but suddenly none of it makes sense to me anymore. I have nothing to say. Where did all my thoughts go??? When I left at 5:30, I was totally into the paper. Now, nothing. Grr.

Long time passing...

I've been away a few days, and I'll probably be away a few more. It's that time of the term, and finishing off the Awards Night service last night really only means it's time to buckle down hard* and finish off the last couple of papers (which unfortunately are more sizeable than most papers here). I've just scheduled out every hour between now and Wednesday morning, and blogging doesn't make an appearance.**

*What Seabury needs is Davis Center. That is, not really, because I'm probably much healthier for not having easy access to Davis french fries and Seattle's Best Coffee, but in an ideal world. (And yes, I know that Smith no longer has Davis either, which is a travesty, and that NU's Norris Center is not that far away, but Norris doesn't have quite the charm that Davis Center had, not being located in a big yellow 19th century New England house with a ballroom upstairs.)

**Well, every hour between 8:30 this morning and next Wednesday - I refuse to count the next two hours as real time, since by all rights I ought to be asleep. I am, however, about to go see what I can magically accomplish in that time on no sleep.

Silly

One of the perks of being a reasonably competent grad student with no teaching responsibilities is that I can giggle freely right now at student responses/comments on others' blogs. I particularly like these from jane in the academy's spring term student comments (listed under "weaknesses):

~The assignments were confusing because we had to have our own ideas in the papers. I don't have ideas. (It's a good thing you're in higher education, then. That sounds like just the right place for you.)

~If you didn't read the readings you would be lost on the assignments. (Hunh. Who'da thunk it?)

~Make sure students are aware of the work load and that work piles up if you don't plan for it. (You think? Which part of life doesn't pile up if you don't plan to take care of it?)

Yes. well. For now, I choose to giggle.

Hmm.

So, I'm reading my introduction to the Oxford Movement so I can figure out how to research my paper on the Oxford Movement. This is admittedly an activity toward which I'm favorably disposed, but it seems to me that a lot of this history sounds remarkably familiar. Take the following, for instance - if I remove all the period markers from this paragraph, it sounds equally applicable to today (non-inclusive language notwithstanding):

"men who had been colleagues suddenly found that they had to choose between friends and the Church which had nurtured them. ...those who had converted felt the need to persuade others to join them. Because they knew intimately the Church..., converts were able to attack its weak points. As a result, many... felt beleaguered. This was further exacerbated by the attitude of the authorities of the Church..., which appeared... to be saying sternly to unsettled men that they should go, whilst simultaneously the [other] Church... seemed to be beckoning and welcoming."*

It's an imperfect analogy, but it rings true for me.

*Credit where credit is due: this is from Michael Chandler's book An Introduction to the Oxford Movement.

One more down

Not the history paper, sadly - I still have to write that one tonight. However, our preaching schedule has had to be rearranged, and so we each get to chop off a sermon. This means that I do NOT have to preach two different sermons two days in a row this week. Once I finish the history paper tonight, I can devote nearly all my energies to prepping Thursday's sermon - which is good, because it needs some work before I dare preach it in chapel. Then I don't have to preach again until May 19.