Alleluia

So, I passed the one-year mark of good health a month ago, and didn't really think much of it. Too busy, I guess, plus good physical health has been something I've mostly taken for granted throughout my life.

Tonight, though, I realized something else about the last year - that I've only experienced one or two flashbacks all year, and that the ones I have had have been pretty minor and I've coped with them in really healthy ways - writing, researching, talking, drawing, etc. And I realized that I don't even feel guilty about it, because it's not because I've really thought any less about Emily. I guess I've just felt safe enough this year to process not only the event, but the associated grief. I've been able to do things this year that I imagine more successful therapy experiences might have helped me to do before.

So tonight, I'm thankful - and I'm celebrating a little. I'm celebrating the fact that I'm starting to be able to remember Emily with less pain and guilt. I'm celebrating the fact that I can recognize and assess more of the pain and guilt that is there. I'm celebrating the fact that I have friends who are willing to hear about both the pain and the healing. I'm celebrating the realization that there's actual healing happening here and not just repression.

Thanks be to God - alleluia, alleluia.