Saturday, December 18, 2004
God with us
I was just catching up on Mike's blog while I'm on my parents' computer, since for some reason his blog site won't open right on my own computer, and thinking about the clarity he talks about in the wake of Julia's, and for me Emily's, death. Sitting with Laurie and Rory and Johnny and Mike on Sunday and remembering Julia's life, I realized how much my understanding of the Incarnation has deepened since they died. I realized how I understand that kind of love much more closely now, because I'd still trade places with either of them in a heartbeat. I'd still give anything to have them sitting in the pews in chapel, not just part of the cloud of witnesses, even if it meant me not being there. And I think about that, about how much I still love them both, and it explodes my understanding (to borrow a phrase) - because if I, as frail and sinful and selfish a creature as I am, can love that much, that deeply - then how much more fully and freely and wonderfully must God be able to love us - and then God becoming human, God with us, and going through with it all the way through death makes so much more sense. I'd still trade that knowledge to have them back, even though I'm not sure I'm supposed to feel that way. But there's a glimmer of comfort in the realization that out of these tragedies - really, it usually feels like one big tragedy, all rolled together - that there's been a deepening in my understanding of God, even amidst all the pain and anger.