Why did I go to a women's college?

Meant to post this a couple days ago... just read "Tuesday" for "today."

AKMA links today to a site that seems to be the organizing focus for female bloggers, http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifwith commentary on their recent BlogHer conference. I'd love it if the site had a clearer, more accessible "who we are and what we're about" summary, but I didn't log in here to critique BlogHer.org. I logged in here because this entry on BlogHer and this review of the conference fired me up.

"Women bloggers, how do you want the world to learn about what you're creating -- if at all? Do you want to play by today's rules or change the game?"

Why did I go to a women's college?

In all honestly, I went there just because it felt like the right place to be. I went there in spite of the single-sex factor, not because of it. But like any good Smithie, I can now quote you reason upon reason for why Smith is and must remain a women's college. I know what the studies say. I spent two years at Smith, one at the University of Hamburg, one more at Smith, one near Washington University in St. Louis, and one at Seabury-Western. I've seen the difference in how women act and are treated when men aren't in the room to insist that they know more or should talk more.

But those are the reasons why we need women's colleges, not why I went to one. I'll be the first to admit that the single-sex environment just doesn't seem to work for everyone. Personally, I never had a problem in high school with speaking up in class. I never noticed teachers treating me differently because I was female. It never occurred to me to be intimidated by my male colleagues. I didn't need a women's college education to give me that kind of confidence. Maybe because of Girl Scouts, maybe because of my family, but I grew up confident in that arena.

So why? Why did I go to a women's college? Reading the debate question on BlogHer, I realized something: I didn't go to a women's college so that I could quote men the rules of their own game. I didn't go to a women's college because it would teach me to compete with men on their terms. I didn't go to a women's college to learn how to succeed at the status quo.

I went to a women's college because I was attracted to a place where, as Halley experienced, "There was no one-upsMAN-ship, there were no egomaniacal rants, there were no pissing-contests, no penis-metrics, no Q&A hogs. The people in the room seemed to have two completely outlandish assumptions ... that everyone should have an equal voice and that we were actually there to LEARN SOMETHING, not to compete against one another."

Sure, Smith was a competitive place. But we were competitive on our own terms. We made the rules of the game. No one of us got to have things all her own way - that's not how life works in community. We still had to learn to give and take, when to compromise and when to hold our ground. We still struggled to decide what the rules should be, when they should change and how, and so forth. It still wasn't easy, and it still wasn't always pleasant. But women designed the game, and women wrote the rules - and when they stopped working for women, women rewrote them.

This is all to say that today, I realized that I don't want to spend the rest of my life proving that I can piss as far as a man can. I'm not a man. Pissing long distances is not my particular gift. Maybe that's why I went to a women's college - so I wouldn't have to pretend to be a man and could just live my life on my own terms instead. Terms defined in community with other women and men, hopefully in conversation with and obedience to God, to be sure, not just my own whims - but not just the terms handed to me by men, who received them from generations upon generations of men, isolated from women. I don't just want to rewrite the rules because I'm young, dumb, and rebellious. Truly, I can be all of those. But sometimes I need to rewrite the rules because the terms I've been offered just don't work. If women are to have a voice, if any group with a history of oppression is to have a voice, that voice has to include reworking the system and rewriting the rules. It can't just be choosing vanilla or chocolate from the same old ice cream machine.

silly songs

Lentils, tomatoes, cucumbers, and rice,
Slices of lime, gin, and tonic on ice,
Bare feet and shorts, conversations with pings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Madeleine L'Engle and Jessica Stein,
Fresh strawberry jam, dark chocolate and wine,
Days when my Netflix the mailperson brings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pager beeps,
When the sirens wail
From the landing pad,
I finally come home to my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad!

Hope!

I have a post (or maybe two) in progress on my reaction to the BlogHer site and women's education. For tonight, though, I'm not tying myself to the computer - because Hope is back in town, and that trumps blogging by far.

sigh

It makes me sad to give up a book in the middle, especially a book I want to read. Reading for fun is such a rare treat - I hate to waste time reading half-books. On the other hand, I hate to waste time reading things I'm not enjoying.

This has happened to me twice now this summer. The first book I probably haven't given up entirely, nor have I reached the middle. I just don't much like it, and I don't mind - I had not set my heart on liking Indecent Theology. But it makes me very sad to give up on Augustine's Confessions in the middle. I haven't read gobs of Augustine, but I've read enough to know that I generally really enjoy reading Augustine. And I'm just not enjoying Confessions at all. On the other hand, I'm pretty convinced that this is because the language is pretty antiquated, and I'm not always convinced that the translator and I are acquainted with the same rules of grammar. So as much as I want to read it, I've decided to hold off on the last seven books until such time as I can find a more recent, or at least more readable, translation. (There's no publication info in my copy, except that it was printed in this country, but the intro is by a gentleman who died in 1950.) I don't like giving in to "old language = too hard" - but I'm just not making sense of it, and I've come to expect more pleasure and edification from my Augustine reading than what I'm getting right now.

off again, on again

It's not that I've never had a day off before, or that I've never worked too many days in a row. But I'd definitely forgotten how much energy it gives me to take time off once in a while and recuperate. I worked a shift this weekend still, and I worked today - but I have more energy now than I've had in weeks. It doesn't hurt knowing that I have only three weeks left - that's 16 shifts, two clinicals, one evaluation, one spiritual care rounds presentation, 7 round trip bus rides, etc. It's not that I got an extraordinary amount of sleep this weekend - turns out sleep wasn't actually what I needed, overall. I still don't relish the thought of floor work and random visits - but I'm not actively avoiding them now. In fact, I made more initial visits today than any other day this summer, I think.

Huzzah for time to watch movies, read books, paint, write, and ponder! And here's to a month off in a few weeks, with more time for movies and books and art - and family and friends!

I know it's Disney, but...

If Quasimodo falls from the arms of an olive-skinned, dark-haired gypsy woman, how come he's got milky-white skin and bright red hair? For that matter, how come a guy who lives in the bell tower of Notre Dame in the 15th century has dark eyebrows and bright red hair?

On Big Sisters

(Note: This has nothing to do with the reader's own state of big sisterhood, nor with the fact that her little brother's birthday card was late this week. Nothing whatsoever.)

I have decided that big sisters are a very good thing. I haven't really ever had a big sister before; at least, any sisters I've had have been within a year or two of my age at a time when a year or two didn't mean the difference between talking or not, going to school or not, driving or not, etc. In the last year, I've actually acquired a big sister, and lo and behold, I like having one. It is quite nice to be able to ask silly questions of someone and get real answers, without added commentary on my brightness.

Today's happy thought is brought to you by the letters J and H, and the number 3.

for Emily

You are Proverbs.


Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


This was a near tie with Romans and Psalms - the problem was that they made me choose which one answer summed up my view of God - and I couldn't decide between "He's the Alpha and Omega... beginning and the end... who was, who is, and who is to come!" (Proverbs), "He is full of grace and mercy." (Romans), "He is my comfort... my shelter... my tower of refuge and strength." (ironically, Psalms), or "He is the giver of all wisdom and understanding." (also Proverbs) I went with Proverbs though because two of the options placed me in Proverbs.

I wish I were a fairy.

If I were a fairy, I would always know what I felt.

And now, to bed.

CPE day

As a general rule, I don't appreciate being asked to get up an hour earlier than usual for a mandatory retreat/rest day that consists of several hours with a speaker. This whole setup bewilders me.

That said, I was pleasantly surprised by today's speaker. Doris Klein, an artist and nun, led a mellow session using images and music that required almost no participation on our part - and at no point were we required to share our feelings. I didn't always agree with her, and it was a little much to listen that much, but overall, I enjoyed it. It may even have inspired me to start painting again occasionally (we'll see).

The highlight of the day, however, was playing a game of two on two/ three on three/ four on four basketball with a few fellow Lutheran General folks and a few folks from other hospitals. I've really never played basketball before, except in P.E. class, but as many of you can attest, I have a strong competitive streak, so I played hard. I also don't really run at all, which apparently can get in the way. But I had a great time, occasionally got passed the ball, and I think may even have made a shot or two. Great bunch of guys.

Casting call

Tonight's commuting conversation turned to the popular question "who would you cast as you in a movie of your life?" I don't have a good answer, myself - Tripp nominated Jeaneane Garofalo and Jeff thought Alanis Morissette, though later he also suggested Jena Malone. I think Jena Malone is the most likely of those, but I'll keep thinking. Jennifer Westfeldt might work too.

What do you think? In a movie of your life, who should play you? Or in a movie of my life, who should play me?

six of one...

I'm sacramental!

You scored as Sacrament model. Your model of the church is Sacrament. The church is the effective sign of the revelation that is the person of Jesus Christ. Christians are transformed by Christ and then become a beacon of Christ wherever they go. This model has a remarkable capacity for integrating other models of the church. Mystical Communion Model 78% Sacrament model 78% Herald Model 44% Servant Model 39% Institutional Model 34% What is your model of the church? [Dulles] created with QuizFarm.com

But I'm also... mystical communion!

You scored as Mystical Communion Model. Your model of the church is Mystical Communion, which includes both People of God and Body of Christ. The church is essentially people in union with Christ and the Father through the Holy Spirit. Both lay people and clergy are drawn together in a family of faith. This model can exalt the church beyond what is appropriate, but can be supplemented with other models. Mystical Communion Model 78% Sacrament model 78% Herald Model 44% Servant Model 39% Institutional Model 34% What is your model of the church? [Dulles] created with QuizFarm.com

Things I wish hospital staff would remember

1. I am only one person.

2. Being only one person, and not gifted with bilocation, I can only be in one place at a time.

3. "On-call" does not mean the same thing as "available." I may at any given moment be both on-call and unavailable. This goes for returning calls as well as arriving in a given place.

4. If I say I will be there as soon as I'm able, I mean as soon as I'm able. I do not mean instantaneously, even if I am available. If I am unavailable, it's because someone else has a claim on me that's legitimately more pressing than yours - hard though that may be to imagine. Therefore it may take me longer than you (or I) would prefer.

5. If you are too busy with other parts of your job to speak with me, that is fine. However, please appreciate that while I am waiting, I may choose to do things such as answer my pager, work on paperwork, etc. I may therefore ask you to wait as long as two or three seconds if you are ready for me before I have quite finished these tasks.

6. While working in an intensive care unit ups the chances that I will consider your emergency a top priority, yours is not the hospital's only intensive care unit. LGH has five such units plus an emergency department. If you're not sure what this has to do with anything, please refer to points 1 and 2.

6. If I am smack in the middle of working with another family, the chances are good that I will need to finish with them before moving to you. So while a baptism may not seem as pressing as a trauma or a death to you, when I'm in the middle of pouring water over a baby's head I consider myself unavailable. If that confuses you, please see points 3 and 4.

7. My job is not to know your job. If you are unsure about what to do with bodies or pieces thereof, with paperwork that doesn't come from the pastoral care office, with used equipment, etc., you should ask your coworkers or supervisor. Unless you are a chaplain, I am neither of those to you.

8. If I tell you I do not have certain paperwork, I have most likely checked to make sure that is true. It is therefore unnecessary to ask me if there's a place it might be or whether I looked in the office for it. I know, probably better than you do, the various places that paperwork likes to hide. If I do not have it, I can almost always help start or find it, but I cannot make it materialize just because you asked a second or third time.

Let all mortal flesh keep silence

If anyone knows/has a choral recording of "Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence" that has all four verses, and can get it to me or tell me where to get it in the next 24 hours or so, please do let me know. I want to use it on Monday and my recording omits verse 2. Thanks!

I'm just sayin'...

I don't want to say what it's been like during my on-calls last night and today so far, for fear it might change. I will say, however, that in the last 24 hours I have finished Harry Potter 6, read another 10 pages or so of Indecent Theology (sorry, Jeff, just not gripping me), and read 350 pages of Oliver Twist, which was selling for $5 at the gift shop here. I also managed over seven hours of sleep between shifts, and even hazarded a trip across the street to grab some cheese fries for lunch. (I am growing more and more tired with the lunch options in our cafeteria.) Admittedly, I've been mostly reading fiction, but I still can't remember the last time I got through 500 pages in such short time - probably last summer when Harry 5 came out.

I should probably be trying to finish my spiritual genogram for Monday, but I think I've done all the work on it that I can do here at the hospital. That'll be my project for tonight and tomorrow night - after I stop by Aladdin's and get some spinach in my body to counteract the cheese fries.

Waiting for Book 7

Well, I'm done. Harry Potter is finished. Quite good, as usual; didn't get the ending I wanted, as usual. I'll give a more thorough assessment on my book blog, rather than giving spoilers here; also Tripp has a conversation about the book going in a comments section if you're interested.

10 down, 10 to go

I have worked 10 straight days. The first two of those were actually sort of the same day since I worked 4 straight shifts those two days. I get to work 10 more days before I get a day off. That includes working 16 hours Friday, getting a few hours of sleep at the hospital, and working another 8 Saturday day, before coming home to begin the regular day in, day out schedule.

After my day off a week from Saturday, I get to switch to six-day weeks for the next three weeks. Which will be a nice change, especially since the first of those weeks is the week I'm supposed to move.

I have 1.5 personal days left. I would like to save 1 for an emergency.
Yet, somehow, I'm tempted to take tomorrow off.

August 20 cannot come fast enough.

Once more I beg your mercy...

Three weeks or so having passed since I last made it to the grocery store, I am once more accepting invites, if anyone's going out of an evening. It would have to be evening because I'm working every day shift for the next two weeks still. But if you find yourself :) in such a situation, let me know. Thanks!

In lieu of thinking:

Your Blogging Type is Confident and Insightful

You've got a ton of brain power, and you leverage it into brilliant blog. Both creative and logical, you come up with amazing ideas and insights. A total perfectionist, you find yourself revising and rewriting posts a lot of the time. You blog for yourself - and you don't care how popular (or unpopular) your blog is!

What's Your Blogging Personality?

Not the most accurate quiz I've ever come across, but then, it was only four questions.

Harry, Harry Potter...

Yes, I own it. Pippa made sure that the postal service would leave my book at their house, and now it's made it safely to me.

Secretly (well, not so secretly now), I'm behind in my attempt to reread the first five before book 6 came out. But I still really want to do it, so now I'm just going to have to finish the second half of book 4 and read book 5 with book 6 sitting there tempting me. This is what happens when I don't do my work on time. ;)

Now I'm going to stop posting and go read, like millions of other HP fans the world over.

Memo

Dear Baskin-Robbins counter servers,

As one of your own for three summers running, and a devoted fan of several BR menu items, I consider it my duty to pass along certain knowledge which your training obviously omitted. I hope you will find the following illuminating and useful.

~Lesson One: Chocolate is not the same as mocha. While both do include the sacred flavor of chocolate, the chocolate blast should be pure, free from any traces of cappuccino mix.

~Lesson Two: The question "Would you like whipped cream and cinnamon on that?" is most helpful when asked before applying these extras, rather than as you're handing the customer the drink with said extras already on it.

~Lesson Three: The cappuccino, mocha, and likely turtle blasts come with cinnamon on top. As we learned in lesson one, however, chocolate is an entirely separate flavor. The chocolate blast comes with cocoa powder on top. Cinnamon has no place in a chocolate blast.

~Lesson Four: When handing a customer a tasting spoon, the ice cream should be firmly stuck to the spoon. Telling the customer "oops - careful - that's gonna fall" is less helpful than it might seem, especially if the customer does not have the experience to expect bits of falling ice cream.

~Lesson Five: Daquiri ice is not the same as butter pecan ice cream. Butter pecan ice cream can be recognized by its creamy color and consistency and high number of nuts. Daquiri ice, on the other hand, is a pale, cool, blue color, contains no dairy, and has an extraordinarily smooth texture. Should the butter pecan label go AWOL, you will better serve the customer by handwriting a label reading "butter pecan" than by inserting an Official BR Label reading "Daquiri Ice", especially when daquiri ice is not available.

~Lesson Six: You will also help the customer and save yourself unnecessary questioning by handwriting labels to replace the missing BR labels for the unlabeled tubs of french vanilla, pistachio, and the like. You have done well with this for Bumble Buzz and Splish Splash - I encourage you to extend this courtesy to the less exotic flavors.

~Lesson Seven: A milkshake is an extremely delicate creation. It requires your full attention and precise preparation. Unless the customer requests extra thin or extra thick, you should be sure to measure the milk exactly as specified on the measuring cup. A truly outstanding counter server will ask the customer whether he prefers his milkshake on the thick or thin side and prepare accordingly. Under no circumstances, however, should the milkshake be left unattended at the machine. (Preferably, you will stay and attend any blended beverage, but this is especially necessary with the milkshake.) This leads to lumpy or milky shakes. The milkshake must be carefully coaxed into its proper state - smooth and free of lumps, but thick enough to justify having added the ice cream at all. Your job is not to serve flavored milk. Your job is to serve milkshakes. The customer does not pay $3-4 for a glass of chocolate milk. Milkshakes are an art form and should be treated with the respect that deserves.

~Lesson Eight: The chocolate milkshake is one classic that is particularly near to people's hearts. It is most advisable to ask the customer whether she prefers her chocolate milkshake with chocolate or vanilla ice cream. Under no circumstances should the customer be met with a blank stare or rude answer if he orders a chocolate shake with vanilla ice cream. If this seems difficult, remember that you have vast quantities of chocolate syrup at your disposal. A shot or two of chocolate syrup will turn a vanilla milkshake into a pleasantly chocolatey one. Again, a truly outstanding counter server will also ask the customer who prefers chocolate ice cream whether she would like chocolate syrup as well as the chocolate ice cream.

~Lesson Nine: Another classic variation is the malted milkshake, commonly called the malt. You do in fact make malts, even if they are not listed on the menu board. The malt powder is probably located near the syrups and/or toppings. Malt powder should not be dumped in after the milkshake is finished and given a final spin to make it invisible. Rather, the malt powder should be added slowly and deliberately as the ice cream and milk are just beginning to blend into a shake, so that the powder will be evenly and smoothly distributed throughout by the time the shake has reached its perfect texture.

~Lesson Ten: Customers should be served as promptly as possible. This service includes such elements as approaching them and asking how you can help them, preparing the actual menu item, and uniting the ice cream treat with the customer. All three of these should be executed in as efficient a fashion as possible. The customer may not have all the time in the world just because he is the only person in the store.

I am sorry that you did not receive these useful tidbits in your initial job training. I am confident that you will find your job performance and satisfaction greatly increased by following these simple tips. Thank you for your keen attention.

Yours in ice cream artistry,
Beth

It is finished.

I am on hour 27 right now, having just spent the night sitting with a lovely, strong family as they went through the process toward organ donation. I do not normally work four shifts in a row and I am tired and raw. But I am glad to have been with that family in that place, and to have been there as they said goodbye to their loved one and the hospital.

Now I have five more hours, and then I can go home and sleep.

On a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday Thursday Friday, Saturday Sunday night...

Today was a very strange day.

Tomorrow I leave for Denver.

Saturday my cousin will be married.

Sunday I will return to Evanston.

Monday I will return to blogging.

That is all.

go figure

The Oxford Dictionary of the Christian Church helpfully explains that Christian monasticism differs from non-Christian monasticism in that Christian monastics follow Christ.

Glad we got that cleared up.

(Then again, the ODCC also defines love as "the principle of God's action and man's response" (italics mine). And before you tell me that's because It's Old: this edition was published in 1997. Yeah. The 4th edition comes out in October, but I decline to hold my breath on this one. The ODCC is not having its best night ever over here in Hibbard.)

nuthah nut

Laurel has joined the world of blogging! She's got an interesting observation on blue shirts and black pants that those of you who were at Susie's last weekend might find amusing. Welcome, Laurel!

reuben, reuben...*

For those following the Saga of the Boys in the Bathroom, I've just received a most congenial recognition that yes, that was a problem, and no, it won't happen again when the Doctor of Ministry students arrive. In fact, there will be no DMin (yes, that's pronounced "demon") students housed in my suite at all. I am pleased.

(I am less pleased at the reason: because only two of the incoming DMins are women, and they're sharing an apartment. It would make me happier if there were more of a gender balance among our budding congregational development experts. But you can't have everything.)


*from another camp song, one where the girls sing:

Reuben, Reuben, I've been thinking
what a grand world this would be
if the boys were all transported
far beyond the northern sea.

and yes, there's another verse where the boys sing "Rachel, Rachel" instead of "Reuben, Reuben."

clutter

I can't decide whether to clean my rooms or not. I really ought to. I ought, in fact, to begin thinking about how I'm going to move all this stuff in a month. But there's something incredibly comfortable about living in clutter, at least when the clutter is all my stuff. Not filth - my filth tolerance is extremely low. But I do like clutter.

On the other hand, I also like a really clean and organized space.

The thing is, when space gets like it is now, where there is simply not a place for everything and thus everything cannot go in its place, I prefer to have a well-cluttered space rather than a nearly-clean place.

That could be laziness speaking, but I think the clutter stays, at least for now.

Patients, ye be warned.

Ryan has now implanted in my brain the desire to tell you you're not going to cheese heaven.

That, and now I want to talk like a pirate, even though it's not Talk Like a Pirate Day for another couple of months.

My apologies to all the patients and families who get me for their chaplain tomorrow.

bedtime at the sauna

manys a time i've been mistaken
and many times confused
yes and i've often felt forsaken
and certainly misused
oh but i'm all right
i'm all right
i'm just weary to my bones
still you don't expect to be bright and bon vivant
so far away from home
so far away from home

i don't know a soul who's not been battered
i don't have a friend feels who at ease
i don't know a dream that's not been shattered
or driven to it's knees
oh but it's all right
it's all right
we've lived so well so long
still when i think of the road we're traveling on
i wonder what's gone wrong
i can't help it i wonder
what's gone wrong

and i dreamed i was dying
i dreamed that my soul
rose unexpectedly
and looking back down at me
smiled reassuringly
and i dreamed i was flying
high up above
my eyes could clearly see
the statue of liberty
sailing away to sea
and i dreamed i was dying

oh we come on a ship they call the mayflower
we come on a ship that sailed the moon
we come in the ages most uncertain hour
and sing an american tune
oh but it's all right
it's all right
you can't be forever blessed
still tomorrow's going to be another working day
and i'm trying to get some rest
that's all i'm trying
to get some rest

american tune
words and music paul simon

subjunctive question

Which of the following is more accurate?

A) It didn't seem as though that were still the case.
B) It didn't seem as though that was still the case.

It seems to me that "as though" indicates condition contrary to fact, which wants the subjunctive, which would be "were." But it looks a little odd to me. Both look a little odd to me.

Fellow grammar guardians, what is the mind of the house on this?

got it. thanks.

So I just started a new verbatim, on a recent and moving conversation, and when I went to change the patient's name, the first male name that came to mind was Murray. Which is of course my friend Emily's last name. I started to type it in and then realized what was happening and deleted it, and then glanced upward and thought "ok, yes, I know this situation is pushing my buttons. Thanks. I got that."

The patient's name is Daniel now. Daniel doesn't really push my buttons so much.

in other news

It's hot. Extraordinarily hot.

Just thought I'd mention that.

I think this is why my mother doubts that I could ever, ever move to anything resembling the South.

because i can

Because I can, because I now have internet again. Wireless, even, though I haven't hooked that back up yet. Will soon though.

nomads and saints

So when I put "nomad extraordinaire" in my orientation committee bio, this wasn't really what I meant.

As you've probably noted, I've been house-sitting all week. Yesterday, my house-sitting gig ended, so I packed my gear back up and moved it back over to my room.

While I've been house-sitting, however, a boys and girls choir from Bryn Mawr has taken over the dorm rooms while they're in town for some concerts, finishing Sunday night. I suspected, from a couple of brief glances in the open door, that the kids staying across the hall in the other half of my suite were boys. I suspected also that this might make it awkward when I moved back in.

Last night, I opened my bathroom door, and any doubts I had disappeared. There were towels on the floor, dirt all over the sink, my q-tips scattered about.... These were definitely boys, teenage boys from the looks of it. I tried for a moment to imagine taking a shower the next morning in a bathroom which 2-4 teenage boys were likely to access at will. Then I stopped trying to imagine anything so horrible and started imagining other solutions, ones that didn't involve flagrant boundary issues.

So now my backpack and I are camping out at Susie and Luke's apartment, watching them pack up their belongings. Monday, all of us will head out of here, and I will go back home and give my bathroom a good and thorough cleaning.

In the meantime, Susie and Luke are very generous friends, to take on a houseguest the weekend before they, um, banana.

mirror, mirror...

I am supposed to be writing a weekly reflection - about two-thirds of a page, on something to do with CPE - preferably dealing with my relationships to myself, my peers, my patients/families, or my supervisor. I have no idea what to write about. I seem to have three weeks full of things to think and talk about and nothing that seems appropos to write two paragraphs about. Argh.

I am tempted to leave it for later and write it tomorrow between group and my one-on-one, but I know if I do that, I will have three or four traumas to deal with between 1:30 and 4:00.

So I must invent something on which to reflect. Quickly.

internet! happiness!

The Adams have graciously allowed me to use their wireless, which is conveniently accessible from both the living room and the backyard here.

To celebrate this, I present the following quiz, taken from Emily's blog:

You're Watership Down!

by Richard Adams

Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you're
actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their
assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they
build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You'd
be recognized as such if you weren't always talking about talking rabbits.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

I realized after I got my results that I've taken this one before, with the same result (which in this quiz means I answered each of the six questions exactly the same). I think this answer is both accurate and ironic, since I couldn't ever get into Watership Down because of the rabbits. Maybe I should try the book again.

Please note:

I am currently house-sitting in an internet-free zone. If you want to find me, call me.

Also, I am currently very frustrated with my moving schedule and several corollary adjustments.

Thirdly, I am still accepting invitations to the grocery store, if anyone's handing them out. But as noted above, I don't have my regular internet access, so call me, don't IM or email me.

btw

If anyone's going to the grocery store soon and wants company, let me know. Anyone around here, that is - I'm not overly concerned about when Marisa's next going to the store.

ta!

boo!

I want my camp back.

That is all.

After much ado*...

I finally have a unit assignment. Another summer student and I were both rather attached to the neonatal ICU/labor and delivery assignment, with strong second preference for critical care. After a week of talking back and forth, our supervisor finally told us today "Draw lots. It's biblical, at least." So I'll be spending the rest of my summer on trauma team - working in the ER and following trauma patients who move to surgical ICU. It's a good team - both Tripp and Ryan have had excellent experiences working on trauma team. It should also prepare me well for my on-call shifts, since they'll basically be more of the same.

Speaking of on-call shifts, however, I had one last night, which means I'm going on hour 37 with only a couple of short naps. So I'm going to give my full attention to the rest of Bedknobs and Broomsticks, and then head off to bed very, very early.

*edited to say: yeah, that used to say "adieu," but i realized that the only people who would get that don't usually read here. so i changed it.

speaking of collars...

got this from everyday-ryan:

You scored as Roman Catholic. You are Roman Catholic. Church tradition and ecclesial authority are hugely important, and the most important part of worship for you is mass. As the Mother of God, Mary is important in your theology, and as the communion of saints includes the living and the dead, you can also ask the saints to intercede for you. Roman Catholic 82% Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 79% Neo orthodox 68% Emergent/Postmodern 50% Classical Liberal 46% Reformed Evangelical 39% Modern Liberal 39% Charismatic/Pentecostal 36% Fundamentalist 25% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

Not the first time I've come up some kind of Catholic...

stranger and stranger...

I'm posting from the CPE computers at Lutheran. This means I'm posting in Internet Explorer, in windows that have their "close" buttons in the upper right corner. It keeps throwing me off.

The other thing that's weird today is that I ordered my first clergy shirt and collars. Up to last week, I've insisted that I don't really like the seminarian collar and therefore didn't plan on wearing one for CPE. In general, I still don't prefer it. Most people don't understand the black stripe, so it ends up signifying things I'm not really ready or permitted to signify yet, and often encourages clericalism. Last week, though, they handed us our dark blue lab coats (which is the chaplain's uniform here) and I realized that I really didn't like what that signified to me. Again, I don't object to what it's supposed to signify - that I'm a chaplain - but most people don't know the color system for lab coats. If someone walks into my hospital room wearing a lab coat, that signifies to me that they have power and I don't, and that they're there to make me do something and/or do something to me. As a chaplain, that's not what I'm aiming for. I realized when I got my coat that I'd much rather be wearing a collar to indicate that I'm a chaplain. At the hospital, nearly anything the collar signifies is actually true for me - while I'm not ordained and therefore cannot consecrate the Eucharist, I am the official pastoral presence and I am licensed to do emergency baptisms, anoint with pre-consecrated oils, and administer pre-consecrated Eucharist. Nine times out of ten here, it won't matter if people don't realize that I'm not ordained - and if it does matter, I can explain it. And when a family wants me to baptize their baby or help them call their son, I'm not going to be interested in lecturing about clericalism.

This is all by way of explaining to my readers and reminding myself why I'll soon be putting on my first clericals, and why that seems to be the right thing to do now. It's weird, and I'm not entirely comfortable with it yet, and there will still be times when I need to wear the lab coat (for instance, for easy recognition in the ER), but I'm going to try the collar sometimes. I've only ordered one clergy shirt - if the collar thing still seems right after I start trying it, maybe I'll look into getting a couple adjusted so I have more than one work shirt. If it doesn't, I'll take the electrical tape off the collar and put it all in a drawer for another couple of years.

I'll let you know what happens.

couple days late, but...

Raisin has just joined the world of blogging! She's our latest nut. Welcome, Raisin!

(Hmm... raisin... nut... we've got ourselves some gorp! Add in some M&Ms and Cheerios and we're all set!)

Just for Davies...

I'd like to take this moment to point out that I said I was too tired to tag people, not too tired to change my mind. (Cf. sentence 2 of the previous post.) Being tired increases my chances of changing my mind, in fact.

just wanted to be clear on that... ;)

more tag

Susie tagged me for this - like Susie and Jane, I reserve the right to change my mind at will. I'm too tired today to bother tagging others - tag yourselves.

Six favorite songs - I'm limiting this to one per artist:
The Wood Song - Indigo Girls
Radical - Catie Curtis
February - Dar Williams
In the Beginning - Children of Eden
For the Love of It All - Peter, Paul, & Mary
Lord of all hopefulness - Hymnal #482

Heather's Book List

Heather tagged me for this, and I have absolutely nothing more pressing to do tonight (which is lovely!), so here we go:

How Many Books Do You Own?* There are about 200 on my bookshelf here; there are about 40 more wandering this suite. At my parents' house, I'd guess there are another 150 on my childhood bookshelf, with another 30-40 on the floor near it; about 30 on the shelves by my desk in that room, with another 10-20 on the floor near them; about 10 more near or under my bed in that room; and several boxes in the attic, including about 50 Baby-Sitters' Club books, which probably adds another 100-150. So we total out here at... somewhere in the neighboorhood of 570-640 books. Oops, plus another box or two in the basement from college, which probably adds another 50 books... bringing us to 620-690 books, after just one year of seminary. Don't tell my mother.

What is the Last Book You Bought? Ummm... was probably Bede's Ecclesiastical History of the English People. I don't think I bought any non-school books this quarter.

What is the Last Book You Read? I just finished rereading Harry Potter und der Stein der Weisen. I'm also almost done with A Song to Sing, A Life to Live by Don and Emily Saliers.

Name five books that mean a lot to you.
I'm going to assume that the Bible and Book of Common Prayer don't count for an Episcopal seminarian.

Little Women - Louisa May Alcott
A Swiftly Tilting Planet - Madeleine L'Engle
Certain Women - Madeleine L'Engle
Iconostasis - Fr. Pavel Florensky
A Woman's Book of Life - Joan Borysenko


Now "tag" five individuals to provide their own lists. Umm... let's tag Debra, Ryan, Ryan, Mike, and Marisa.

*Extended footnote: Tripp has a list of books scholars thinks college students should read on his blog.** Trevor points out that this list is automatically flawed, in that it has no women authors listed on it. I looked at my shelf and realized that I couldn't see any books I felt were college student must-reads by women either, which made me sad. (The closest I come is A Wrinkle in Time, which I think all college students should already have read long before college actually comes around.) Then in counting, I realized that of my primary collection - the 200ish books on my shelf - 32 are by women. And that's counting six by Madeleine L'Engle and four or five others that are specifically about women. And Hope and I agreed that that's probably more than most seminarians have.
**Footnote to the extended footnote: I have read two of the top ten (the Bible and the Divine Comedy). I have read five of the twenty runners-up (Mere Christianity, the Iliad, Aeneid, Oedipus, Animal Farm).

First things first...

I'm wanting to talk about books right now, a la Heather and Tripp, but for inquiring minds: CPE is going well so far, I'm enjoying it much more so far than I expected, I have an interesting and I think pretty good small group, and I do not have a unit assignment or on-call schedule yet, though I do have a lab coat and name badge.

First day

Tonight, I laid out a freshly ironed blouse and slacks, along with the necessary accessories. Then I made myself a sandwich, washed myself some grapes, and tossed them in a paper bag with a granola bar. I packed a book, my calendar, a notebook, and my purse, and they're waiting on the futon. It's like the first day of school, except I haven't gotten this prepared for the first day of school in at least ten years, maybe fifteen. I feel like I should stand in front of the door of Hibbard tomorrow morning so my mother can take my picture.

Yes, tomorrow I start CPE. I'm a little nervous, a little resentful, and a little hopeful all at the same time. It should be an interesting first day - and hopefully an interesting and beneficial summer as well.

Summer!

Today, I went to the farmers' market, watched Saved! and Garden State with Andrew and Hope, cooked lunch, wrote my (very late) Ember Day letter, chatted online, and went to the store. Soon Andrew and I will make a lentil dish for dinner. I'm re-discovering how pleasant it is to be productive without doing any work. Monday I start a job of sorts, with regular adult hours and all that, which I haven't had to do in years. But today, I'm enjoying my summer vacation.

graduation? what graduation?

Today, Susie and Jane and Andrew and Dave and a bunch of other cool people did not graduate. Today, Jane also did not move out. It was lovely to see the rest of her clan, especially since she's only gone home for the weekend. It was also really really fun to hang out in AKMA and Frank's backyard coopting Frank's grill with some of the above seniors and some alums and spouses and children for a looong time, especially since it had nothing to do with half that crowd leaving in the next month.

Fiction? Perhaps, but it's the best I can do right now.

oh look! Mary!

The Archer notes that the Roman Catholic-Anglican document "Mary: Grace and Hope in Christ" is now available online here. I haven't read it yet, but now that my New Testament exam is done,* I plan to do so in short order. I like Mary much. I am excited to see what this commission has agreed about her. (For those who don't spend their time following the latest developments in mariology - this document is authoritative in neither the RC nor the Anglican churches. It's just for study and discussion.) Should I develop strong feelings about the document, you'll likely find out about it here.

*Which means that all my work is done for the term - all that's left to do is go sit in systematics class this afternoon. This also makes me happy.

study or stop?

I hate studying for essay tests. How do you know when you're done? I know I know my memory verses; I know I know my IDs (though even that's harder to be really confident about than the verses). I've never figured out, though, when I'm done studying for essays. I've got outlines in my head; I can run through a group of things I might say for each of them. But when is enough enough?

Public Service Announcement

Tuesday, May 31, 2005: 3:04 pm

Ryan R. Whitley:

"I realized I was wrong."

I like pixies.

I've been ogling Emily's weather pixie for awhile, and have decided to import one of my own. I haven't made a final call on the pixie herself - I also pondered a couple of the other blondish/lightbrownish/reddish haired white girls. If my hair color were more stable, maybe it would be a clearer issue. Either way, pixies make me happy. At least nice weather pixies. The cornish pixies in Harry Potter, and the pixies in a lot of folk lore, not so much.

theololology

I'm supposed to be writing a theology paper. This should not be a problem. In general, I like theology papers. In theory, I also like this particular theology paper. The assigment:

Identify one event or conversation from this year at Seabury that raised/raises theological questions for you. Write 1-2 pages describing this event/conversation. Then write a 3 page essay in which you state the theological questions raised and then address them drawing on the theological resources from this course and other work you have done. You may wish to conclude with a brief discussion of the extent to which the various resources were helpful (or not) in your dealing with this question.

In theory, this is a great assignment - interesting, provocative, etc.

In practice, it feels like the assignment should read: Choose the theological topic you understand the least and explain it adequately to your theology professor.

stuff, also nonsense*

So, yeah, missed a few days in there. It's been a little busy. Here's the short version:

Wednesday: class all day, fitting in a trip to the grocery store, then Greek, then to pick up Mark and hang out, while finishing my New Testament reading for Friday, because:

Thursday: class, rehearsal, choir, lunch meeting, class, class, run home and change, awards night eucharist, awards night banquet, tears, party, home

Friday: tired, class, tired, eucharist, tired, run for the bus and get to Lutheran for my pre-clinical physical, have said physical, get very very angry with them over a number of things, take bus back, finally get lunch at 4 pm, home, consider blogging a list of things that make me really really angry (like being lied to or treated like I'm incompetent), decide to eat ice cream and watch part of Sound of Music with Hope and Andrew instead, home, crash

Saturday: all-Seabury softball game, lunch w/Susie, Hope, and Andrew in lieu of softball BBQ, store with Susie, paper, scrapbooking with Susie and Annette while writing paper, dinner w/various juniors, paper in front of junior movie night, abandon movie night to work more on paper.

In other words: a busy week. Now back to my theology paper (yes, I do that a lot).


*As Ryan would say.

how long is forever?

While reading my systematics homework on the theology of ordained ministry, I started thinking about the sermon I heard Mike preach at Still Small Voice. I realized that that weekend felt like a really long time ago - longer ago than other college events that happened before Still Small Voice. Suddenly, it feels like I've known Mike forever, like that weekend was forever ago - and I realized that was because that weekend was the last time I saw Emily alive. Until now, it's always felt like it couldn't possibly have been (1, 2, 3, 4) years since she died. Now, abruptly, it feels like it's been forever since she was alive. It's a very strange feeling, an odd adjustment to make. How did we go so quickly from Emily having been alive only yesterday to Emily having been gone for forever? I can't decide whether it feels like a betrayal to have gotten used to her being gone, or whether I'm just still so aware of her absence that at this point it's hard to remember life being any other way. I'm not sure. But it's not a comfortable place. I want to remember the joy of her life, not just the hole left by her death, and I want to remember that joy as part of my recent past, not ancient history.

huzzah!

This is a post.

This is a post with comments.

This is a post with comments you can both read and write.

This is a post with comments you can read and write without a pop-up.

comments?

I think I have comments! They're pop-up comments, but it's a step... yes?

woot!

Thanks, Wes, for finding the extra div!

Now I have a normal looking blog, with normal-looking, non-functioning comments.

Slowly but surely... trying this again.

grump

Ok, I now have comments. Blogger comments. I also have a wonky-looking blog. Help?

testing?

Dairy news

I almost just asked you all, "if my cottage cheese is slightly yellowish and past the expiration date, do you think I should throw it away instead of eating it?"

Then I looked at that question and thought, "if someone else put that question on their blog, I would tell them to throw it all away immediately, without a second thought." So I no longer have any cottage cheese. Instead I'm eating vanilla yogurt, which is past the sell-by date but is still perfectly good. Dairy is hard to keep around when I only feed myself on weekends and only get to the grocery about once a month.

I've had plenty of thoughts in the last couple of days that I could have blogged about, but they're mostly not fit for public consumption. So I haven't blogged. I will say this, though - when laundry is the highlight of the day, that's not what we call a "good day."

Oh, and I'm switching my comments to blogger today. So if you've said anything truly clever on haloscan, I'm sorry - but haloscan would only have kept them a couple of months anyway. You can tell me again when I get the blogger comments up and running.

The latest quiz

From Jane - and done in bits and pieces, as it's longer than I realized:

Three names you go by:
~Beth
~Spud
~Bo

Three screen names you've had:
~IndiJar
~IndiJarY
~IndiYoda

Three physical things you like about yourself:
~My height (believe it or not)
~My feet/arches
~My calves

Three physical things you dislike about yourself:
~My chin
~My waistline
~My lack of flexibility

Three parts of your heritage:
~English, with a twist of English
~Scottish
~English with some side trips to Ireland, Wales, or France

Three things you are wearing right now:
~My brown clogs
~My rings
~My Jerusalem cross

Three favorite bands/artists (You know, three is a tough number - one or ten would be much easier...):
~Indigo Girls (iTunes is smart - 8 of the top 25 most played songs are IG... strangely, 7 of the 8 are off All That We Let In)
~Catie Curtis
~Dar Williams

The last three songs you listened to:
Were probably on Jane's computer, but the last three I listened to off my own iTunes were:
~"Answer Me My Love" Joni Mitchell
~"Free in You" Indigo Girls
~"Cain" Patty Griffin

Three things you want in a relationship:
~Tenderness
~Laughter
~Loyalty

Three physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to you: well, it's different things with men or women.
Men:
~Lithe
~Not too hairy
~For some reason, I tend to go for taller guys - then again, as my high school boyfriend once said - "at my height, how could I not?"
Women:
~Soft skin
~Toned
~Breasts - not necessarily large, just... nicely made.

Three of your favorite hobbies:
~Hanging out with friends
~Reading
~Watching movies (I know, you'd never know it - but it's true. The ones I've seen, I've mostly seen over and over.)

Three things you want to do really badly right now:
~Sleep
~Be done with my pastoral care paper
~Swap out the last two weeks of classes for a couple weeks' worth of "time between classes and graduation"

Three things that scare you:
~Raccoons and possums, especially possums.
~People mysteriously not coming home at/by a reasonable time
~Hospitals

Three of your everyday essentials:
~Food
~Internet
~Human contact

Three careers you have considered or are considering:
~Choreographer
~Music therapist
~Doctor (LOVED human anatomy class)

Three places you want to go on vacation:
~A warm, relaxing beach almost anywhere
~Ireland
~New Zealand

Three kids' names you like:
~Abigail
~Lon
~Meg

Three things you want to do before you die:
~Spend time in a monastic setting
~Raise a family
~Learn fingerpicking

Three ways you are stehttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifreotypically a boy:
~Not afraid of bugs
~I like playing in the dirt
~I hate asking directions

Three ways you are stereotypically a girl:
~I like pink
~I like skirts
~I like dolls

Three celebrity crushes:
~Keira Knightley
~Orlando Bloom (but in Lord of the Rings, I'll take Aragorn)
~Julia Roberts

I see they're filming Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3. This seems unlikely to be a good decision from a plot and money standpoint, but as you'll note above, I'm likely to see them anyway. Even if I have to make up new plots, a la MST3K, it'll be worth it to look at the screen.

nuts and bolts

Back from graduation and have survived another full day of Seabury life. Some good stuff stirring, which I'll likely post about a little later. Got my initial TB shot for CPE, will have it read on Thursday, and have confirmed with past Lutheranites that I should be able to use that one only for employee health stuff. That means I should only have to make one trip out to Lutheran, for my pre-clinical physical (almost typed "intake physical" - clearly I've been on the wrong side of hospital procedures too much this year). Unfortunately, it conflicts with a meeting Michelle emailed me about today that I'd like to go to. I may try to see if I can push back the physical so I can be at some or all of the meeting.

Those who pay close attention to this blog (do you exist?) may have noticed that last week I promised commentary on an article on the Archer's blog. That commentary went awol, and I've neither the time nor the energy to rewrite it in the midst of end-of-term work and extracurriculars. Suffice it to say that I agreed with the response more than the original article, though I had some other things to say as well.
We also welcome the Archer as our newest nut.

so that thing, with that person, in that place...

There's a woman on the other side of the coffee shop pushing a stroller. I'm absolutely positive I went to high school with her. I also have absolutely no idea who she is. I feel like I'm too young to be seeing former classmates in coffee shops with their kids and forgetting who they are. (My father just called and says "welcome to the real world." I guess if that's the worst of the real world, I'm doing pretty well.) This whole thing feels a little like a movie (a particular one, even, but I can't think of its name either).

word.

My hometown is suddenly so much cooler than I thought it was - or at least cooler than it was when I was in high school. They've got a pretty bad track record with supporting coffee shops - usually one opens, the teenyboppers overrun it, people with actual money stop going, and it closes - but right now, they've got two local coffee shops going - one to fill the role of "local place where the townies hang out - old folks in the morning, teens at night" and one to satisfy the local student/professor/hippie population (ok, there are about two hippies who aren't also students/professors, but still). (As I typed that, two native townies walked in for lunch - but they're both associated with the college now, so I think my assessment still stands.) It's combination coffee shop and used book store, with lots of tables, good music that's not too loud, and best of all - free wireless!!! No longer do I have to beg rides out to Panera to retrieve things off my computer - I can walk my own self downtown to a groovy local establishment and play. It warms the cockles of my heart, as Dave would say, to be able to blog for free at a coffee shop in my hometown, watching the locals have a quiet lunch and read the weekly hometown newspaper.

Or, as the case might be, finish a theology paper.

[Later: They also have an absolutely delicious hummus wrap. Somewhat overpriced, but I'm willing to pay a little more for local independent deliciousness. This place just keeps getting better.]

All signs point to...

Let's see:
~typing on a pc that gives me annoying system-error pop-ups every ten minutes
~things in my room being packed up and moved around for no apparent reason
~random objects appearing in my room, also for no apparent reason
~things on my bed that are nearly-but-not-quite what they were supposed to be
~can't post things I typed earlier in the day because I can't access the internet on my own computer
~internet access is through aol

Yep! Must be back in my parents' house. As is becoming usual for my first night back, nothing's quite the way I think it should be, including my being here at all, but I'm sure I'll get used to it. The only hitch is that this time I can't do nothing while I wait - I have two papers to finish in the next two days. But that might be for the best...

Also, the Archer posted a very interesting article over on his blog earlier today, to which I want desperately to respond, but the big long post I typed out while sitting at the airport (delayed an hour and a half - yes, Davies, I checked ahead of time; they were on time until I actually got there) is on my own personal computer, which is way too cool and up-to-date to function alongside any of the technology in this house. So I'll try to coax it into a post tomorrow, if I happen upon free wireless in walking distance of here (or if I want to procrastinate badly enough to retype it).

Regardless of how it all pans out, Sunday night I'll be back in my own digs...

Talk about a smart cookie

After having my weekend fun, I got up bright and early this morning and have already accomplished the following:

Canted at Eucharist
Turned in my MBTI/parish profile plunge stuff
Turned in my housing form (and got transferred to different housing for next year, but that's ok)
Turned in my financial aid forms
Figured out all the pending medical billing stuff (woot! go me!) and emailed my father about it
Searched the catalog for commentaries and monographs for my NT probe
Eaten lunch
Crossed Sheridan Road
Found aforementioned commentaries and monographs and a couple more besides
Crossed Sheridan Road again
Written today's entry for the probe journal

I am happy. My theology paper is still a non-entity, really, but I'm starting to see a paper emerging from the paragraphs I've thrown on the page, and I'll go back to that tonight after it's dark and I want to be inside. Right now, I'm going to take advantage of this caught-up-ness and walk into town for an errand or two and some coffee shop reading.

lions and witches and wardrobes, oh my!

Narnia!

It appears to be by Disney, which is unfortunate. On the other hand, it's something worth looking forward to.

aha!

My fortune cookie tonight told me the following:

You'll accomplish more later if you have a little fun this weekend.

Now, is that justification for having spent most of the weekend on random non-academic stuff or what? No wonder I haven't been able to write my theology paper! It just wasn't in the cards. Or the cookies. "Absolution by fortune cookie" says the Archer.

Having gotten such a clear message in my fortune cookie, I believe posting my results of the Most Useless Test Ever (thanks Susie!) is in order.

thesis? thesis? what thesis?

I've developed an annoying habit of hitting apple-s while blogging when I'm in paper mode. Apple-s saves in AppleWorks, it saves in Word, it saves in Stickies - but I do not want to save half-written posts to my hard drive. I really don't. Theology paper, yes - posts, no.

So about that theology paper... yeah. By now I really ought to have it at least half written. And in fact, I have over two pages of writing in AppleWorks. So, for a five page paper that can just as easily be printed from Word, that's gotta be over halfway - except that those two pages or so don't resemble a paper in the slightest. I've got random thoughts and brainstorms and rumblings about sin and grace and popular piety and systematic theology. But a paper? Not so much. Why, you ask? I haven't the vaguest idea what my thesis is in all these thoughts. I have a high tolerance for writing the introduction last; I have a hard time, however, organizing a paper without at least a semblance of a thesis statement. Oi.

scroll down!

I don't know who did what, but the Devastating Hope quiz link now actually displays the picture! Rory and Ryan did a great job picking out pictures for all the characters, but I think Emily got the best one.

For those who are wondering, the paper is now in Raisin's capable hands. My compromise with myself was to ask Raisin if she had time to edit it - if she had said no, I would have turned it in that day, but (to Pippa's dismay) she said yes, so I took the extension and gave the paper to Raisin.

Today and tomorrow are supposed to be dedicated to writing a theology paper. So far today, I've cleaned the bathroom, done a load of laundry, showered, gone into town for food, and read an essay on sin and human nature. The last has something to do with the paper; the others, not so much. I really ought to start writing something now, but I haven't decided what that might be yet. It's an interesting topic - we've been asked to analyze the theology of sin present in a Time article from March, "When Grace Arrives Unnanounced."

In other news, it's entirely too cold today. I disapprove.

This is why I like deadlines.

So I've spent much of this week writing a biblical theology paper that's technically due tomorrow. I have now dutifully written said paper, and could turn it in tomorrow if I so chose. The hitch is that the paper is only technically due tomorrow - AKMA has offered the class a universal extension.

On the one hand, my schedule tells me that I'm supposed to take tomorrow off from writing papers, so as to be ready to plunge back in Saturday and write a systematics paper, so that I can spend next week researching my New Testament probe and going to my brother's college graduation. If I accept the offered extension in biblical theology, it shoves back my whole schedule, which is painstakingly arranged so that I am writing one and only one paper at any given time this term.

On the other hand, I can read it over and know that it would benefit from having someone else look it over and giving it another round of editing. What I don't know is whether it's worth it. One of my great failings as a student is a general inability to tell whether what I've written is any good or not until about a week after I've written it. I can't tell whether what I've got on the page now is vomitous nonsense and really ought to be rewritten again before I turn it in to someone, or whether it's maybe not the best thing I've ever written but perfectly reasonable and I should stop being such a perfectionist. I know what I'm dissatisfied with, but I'm too steeped in this paper right now to figure out what it ought to say instead.

So do I hand the paper in on time, even though an extension has been offered, knowing that it could be better than it is if I kept working on it? Or do I insist upon sticking to my schedule and being satisfied with a finished product, even if it's not the best paper in the whole wide world?

odds and ends

It's been a long and odd day, I've been writing a paper all night, and I'm told I'm thinking too hard, so this will be a collection of odd notions, rather than a coherent post tonight:

~First off - I've discovered that I like Luke. I've never paid much attention to this particular Gospel, except a select few pericopes; Matthew, of course, is the basis for Godspell, Mark is the short early one, and John is just John, so Luke has just been the odd one out, except around Christmas and Easter. But Luke is darn cool.

~I have submitted my FAFSA. I do not like doing financial aid forms. But I have made the first few steps, and soon I will be mostly done with that for another year.

~Not having a roommate around at one of the busiest parts of the quarter leaves me entirely too free not to clean up after myself. I'm doing reasonably on dishes, and having suitemates will keep me accountable for doing the bathroom this week, but I can't look around the room too often as I write my paper or I'll get tempted to start cleaning instead of writing.

~Finally - we have a new nut! As happens, I realized that I read Todd's blog, he's got me on his blogroll, and he's not yet in the peanut gallery. So once I post this and get back to "edit template" - he will be. Welcome, Todd!

What just happened?

Ok, so for the last... oh, month, maybe? I've been pondering and mulling and ruminating on the strand of liturgical tradition that bows during the Nicene Creed from "he came down from heaven" to about "and was made man." The best explanations I've gotten for this practice involve (so far as I can tell) an acknowledgement that Christ lowered himself to become human, and the idea that the Incarnation is the crucial bit (in that, without the Incarnation, you don't get the crucifixion, resurrection, etc.). I've been chewing on these ideas because I haven't been entirely convinced about the Incarnation being the most important part, though I certainly didn't have anything to refute it with. On the whole, it's been a mildly persistent sort of pondering, not something I've felt that strongly about either way.

But just now in my systematics reading I came across the following:

"The new adjustment is that the conception of Jesus as God incarnate, the second person of the Holy Trinity living a human life, is 'a mythological or poetic way of expressing his significance for us,' rather than a literal truth.... Wiles questions whether incarnation is an essential concept in Christian faith, and also whether it is an intelligbile concept."

Blink. Blink. Stare. Come again? WTF? "Questions whether incarnation is an essential concept in Christian faith?" And then I found myself (no, really) writing on my question list: "what's left without the Incarnation?!? how do we have Christianity without it?" If you take out the Incarnation, none of the rest of it works!

And then again: Blink. Blink. Stare. Hunh. I guess when push comes to shove, I do believe (and pretty strongly, too) that the Incarnation is the key to the whole thing. Not such a problem after all. And you can bet that the next opportunity I get to say the Nicene Creed in worship, I'll be bowing right alongside my high church friends. I can't promise that will last forever (heck, I don't promise that any of my liturgical practice will last forever, no matter how attached I am to it - I'd like to hope that I'm more open to the Spirit than that) - but for the time being, at the very least until I get over the shock of Anglican theologians arguing against the Incarnation being essential to Christian faith, I'm going to be pretty stuck to it.

Out, out, damn thought!

I'm sitting in Panera, using their free wireless, drinking their free refills of coffee, trying to work out what on earth the Bible says about employment practice and firing people. I was just beginning to make progress on this finally when three NU students sat down at the one remaining table - a small one right in front of me. In order to fit them all in, they had to block me in (I'm in the corner). This is not in itself a problem - I can wait a little while to get more coffee.

Then they took out scraps of paper and started planning out some sort of theatrical project - it sounds like a collection of short student-written scenes. (later: Nope - in fact, they're mostly dance pieces, or at least dance-centered. Even better.) Now, if there's one profession that has ever threatened to tempt me away from an ecclesiastical vocation, it's the theater - specifically, stage managing. My senior year my dance professors wanted very badly to send me off to Yale or Columbia for an MFA in stage management, and for brief moments I pondered whether I might somehow be able to do both stage management and priestly ministry. It was a definite temptation. So I find it ironic that while I'm trying to work out a difficult biblical theology paper, three theater students come and start working out rehearsal schedules, scene arrangements, stage assignments, etc., seated so that they prevent me from going anywhere without a big fuss.

I can't help overhearing... they're practically sitting at my table. And I know I'd fit so well into this conversation. How am I supposed to stay focused on the Bible and employment in the middle of such an exciting conversation about one of the things I miss most from my former life?

spoons and such

I have spoons!

This doesn't sound like much, but, as some of you know, I have until now owned a grand total of one spoon. (I have a few cooking spoons, but not eating spoons.) Today, though, Hope and I went scavenging for wedding fabric and a graduation gift for her sister, so while we were at Ikea getting her sister's kitchen set up, I bought a cheap set of silverware. Now I have both teaspoons and tablespoons, each in the plural. (Also more than two forks and one table knife.) I can now serve tea, hot chocolate, soup, beans and rice, etc, and not require that everyone bring his/her own utensil to eat with.

I am excited.

peace on earth

I've had that U2 song in my head most of the night, and before I go to bed, I want to link here to a post on my friend Mike's blog that I found very moving. I've struggled with the pacifism v. just war debate for years, and this post is the sort of thing that makes me want all the more actually to be a pacifist. Regardless of your stance on the issue (and the post is really not about that debate), it's worth reading.

(Ok, like me, Mike still uses haloscan for comments, so you'll have to scroll down to April 11 to find the right post. It's titled "Peace." Sorry.)

deep breath...

Still cranky today, but at the end of a long day and long week, it's very nice just to sit and read about the Bible, instead of having to think of clever or useful things to say in papers. Tomorrow I'd better be back about the business of researching and writing, but tonight it's a relief just to do some class reading.

Almost there

No, I don't mean the end of the quarter, or reading week. I'm staunchly refusing to believe that. I am, however, almost finished with both this day and my theology paper (which was due today, but I took an extension in honor of yesterday being death day and this paper being sort of kind of about death). I have been informed that my paper does indeed address the prompt adequately, so I will put a conclusion on it, and then I will go to bed. And then this day, which has not treated me particularly kindly, will be over... and tomorrow I can get up and talk more about death. Woot.

oh. my.

Some of you know what the spaceship game is. Some of you don't. All of you should take this quiz. The official title is "Which Devastating Hope crew member are you?" but for those who read this blog, it could just as easily be titled "Which of Beth's friends in St Louis are you?" So humor me... go, now, and take the quiz. And don't forget to leave me a comment and tell me your results.


First Mate Emily: Your military training has made
you into a warrior, but your inner pacifism is
apparent to those who love you. You seek
redemption for the evil deeds of your past, and
you find the first hints of forgiveness among
the friends you've made in your new home.


Which Devastating Hope crew member are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Dark humor

In response to all of our classes focusing on death today:

Jane: What's next after we get through death in AKMA's class?
Me: Misery and frustration.
Jane: Oh, yay. What's after that, abuse and neglect?
Me: No, church and state.
Jane: Yeah, that's what I said, abuse and neglect.

I like Jane. She's funny and she makes good chai.

get out of my head...

So when my ex and I were still dating, she would drive me nuts by calling everything she didn't like binary and continually telling me to break the binary. It was cute at first, until things like my insisting that the alarm had to be set for earlier than class started became "binary". Last year, I lived with Ryan, and therefore thought about the binary not at all after/between breaking up with her.

It's been very strange, therefore, to find myself (yes, find myself) objecting this year that things are too binary. I'm pretty sure I first noticed that I was doing this in Gospel Mission, though maybe not. It could very easily have been Early Church. Anyway, I'm apparently now at the point where I had to speak very sternly to myself and explain that I may only use the phrase "binary opposition" once, or at most twice (intro and conclusion?) in my 3-5 page paper on God's omnipotence, our ability to affect God, and the logic of intercessory prayer. Oy.

Yeah, she'd be proud (if she were speaking to me... but that's another post. Or maybe not.)

condensed version

Things still needing to be done:

Write systematics paper (due Weds)
Fill out faculty eval sheet (due Fri)
Bills
FAFSA
Financial aid app
Finish biblical theology reading (due Tues) - done

Should add to that:
Read for NT Weds/Fri
Read for systematics Weds/write question
Read for PC Tues/Thurs

Still, not a bad weekend's work, especially since most of what's left I didn't expect to get done this weekend anyway, and I've still got a good hour or so to go tonight.

No, you don't have to care...

but if I put this here, I can't lose it. Nor can I pretend it hadn't occurred to me to do these things.

Things that must be done soon:

2 pm haircut - done! yay! happy!
Write pastoral care paper - done, and magically morphed from just over eight pages to just over five
Edit pastoral care paper - done
Write systematics paper
Fill out faculty eval sheet
Clean futon - done
Clean "desk" (coffee table) - done
Wash dishes - done
Read for systematics/write question - done
Look over bills & make appropriate calls
FAFSA
Financial aid application
Decide about art show
Take trash out to dumpsters - done
Map out how all my papers are getting written this quarter - done
Call Milner about singing tomorrow - ask about time and part - done
Look over alto part if it turns out I'm singing alto - unnecessary, singing soprano
Read for biblical theology - book (wow) and one article done

Hmm. On the one hand, that's a lot - on the other hand, there are plenty of opportunities to cross things off.

boo

This will be short, in lieu of sweet, or something. I'm feeling rather grouchy tonight. I made it through a week with several papers that I didn't mind writing but cared about doing well, and now get to write two next week that I'd really rather not have to write at all. Two for next week, I should say - they're due Tues & Weds, respectively. Then I get to start on a nice long one for the week after. I know I signed up for it, but I'm feeling grumpy today, so I'm whining. I also got stood up tonight, which is something I really don't like. I cut out of my evening plans promptly so I wouldn't be late to meet someone at 10, but at 10:30 he was still in his conference, and it didn't sound like they were wrapping up at all. This frustrates me. Also, because I had to leave so promptly, my groceries are still at Davies', along with my coat. This means that while I did acquire pudding pops at the store tonight, I can't eat one now to console myself. A good thing, in general, but it doesn't help the poutiness.

Anyway, I'm going to head toward bed now. If nothing else, I can get a good night's sleep, so I can be well rested to write that damn paper tomorrow.

PUDDING POPS!!!

We interrupt this New Testament research for an important service announcement:

PUDDING POPS ARE BACK!!!

So last Sunday, Seabury had a pizza dinner for prospectives, with yummy ice cream. In helping eat the leftover ice cream, I discovered that Swiss Miss makes Premium Fudge Bars, which are delicious and taste more like Jell-O Pudding Pops than anything I've had since they stoppped making them. So I told Rory, because she too has missed Pudding Pops greatly.

AND THEN: Ryan IM'ed me today to tell me that they went looking for the Swiss Miss bars and found Pudding Pops instead!!! She also gave me links, including a store locator which tells me they sell them at the Green Bay Dominick's. This makes me all the more excited for my grocery date Friday with Davies. I refuse to allow the fact that my freezer is about six square inches to faze me - I will figure out how to make this work.

Rory and Ryan are the best.

We now return to our regularly scheduled research.

I like these things.

Since the only thing I can say on my own today seems to be theology of religions gobbledygook, it seems like a good day for a quiz post:

Your Linguistic Profile:

65% General American English

25% Yankee

10% Dixie

0% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Surprisingly, I have no Midwestern in my speech... despite spending the great majority of my life in states that are at least technically Midwestern. I'm ok with that, honestly.

Si and Hope are terrible people

Well, ok. Terrible, wonderful, marvelous people. Si wrote a lovely post in honor of Jane's ordination yesterday. It was so lovely that I called across the hall to Hope that she should read it. Hope's response was something along the lines of "ohhh... we can't let him leave either!"

Now, on two hours of sleep last night (plus an hour this afternoon), a reminder that Jane and Si and a lot of other really great people are going to be leaving soon was enough to bring me to tears. (This is why Si and Hope are terrible - crying was not in my plans for today.) I'm very grateful that Hope is not graduating and that therefore Andrew will also be around next year, and I appreciate that Jane has the decency to stay in a reasonable distance next year. I'm steadfastly refusing to acknowledge that the following year all three of them and Heather will likely be much much farther away.

Someday, in addition to aspiring to an apartment with a kitchen, I aspire to live in some sort of circumstances that don't involve major parts of my social circle moving away every spring.

goodbye week!

I guess it's been a busier week than I realized - didn't notice it had been so long since I blogged. Between Prospective Student Days Sunday - Tuesday and the Day of Silence and another overnight visit to ENH yesterday/last night, I haven't had much time on the computer. It's been a good week overall, though, despite the chest pains and hospital time (and those of you who haven't already heard will be happy to know that, among the other things that aren't wrong with me, I do not have a blood clot).
~Note to self: email parents and tell them about that. And call tomorrow to say happy birthday to Mom and apologize for not calling Dad for his on Tuesday. (bad daughter! bad!)
Anyway, likely I won't end up on here again until Saturday, either: Jane's being ordained tomorrow (yippee!) and I'm headed down to South Bend for the night to attend that. (I hear also that there's an excellent chocolate company across the street from the cathedral. Or the hotel. One of them.) Saturday morning, instead of heading to softball practice, we'll head back here, and then I'll have plenty of time in front of the computer, since I owe AKMA one position paper, one research probe, and one case study next week.

Today's A-List

Susie - for being good company and a good friend
Laura - for being far more helpful than certain others ;)
Micah - for good chat at various points today
Si - for being funny and informative
Laurel & Kathryn - for a ride to church and helpful consult on the way

I know that's short and cryptic - but that's the way the cookie crumbles, at least until someone decides none of us can talk in cookie metaphors anymore.

gotta quatta?

While my parents were here, we were remarking that we hadn't seen any new state quarters in a good long while - in fact, none of us could remember seeing any for 2004, let alone 2005. Well, today I went down and requisitioned quarters from the bank, at the insistence of my mountain of laundry. Lo and behold, in the two rolls I got, I discovered Texas, Iowa, and Wisconsin from 2004 (maybe one more) and California from 2005. Admittedly I stopped paying close attention a long time ago, but all of those were new to me. Kind of cool to see so many new ones at once.

My father's got collections running for my brother and me, so if anyone is actively collecting and needs one of these more recent ones, lemme know. Quarters are of course equal to gold, so I'd like a different quarter in return, but I'm perfectly willing to trade. The washing machines are utterly indifferent.

Also, I think there should be a natural law against invisible bruises. It always feels really wimpy to complain about a bruise when you can't even show off its six different colors, yet I usually find that my most painful bruises (like the one on my leg from practice this morning) don't show themselves very well. Maybe that's a matter of how internal a bruise is, or something - I don't know nearly enough about anatomy for that. But if it's going to get any mileage out of hurting me, I want to be able to back that up with evidence.

That was originally related to the laundry discussion - dragging laundry down to the basement was harder than usual because I didn't want to keep banging even clothes against my shin - but I guess I missed the transition part. Oops. Well, time to stop whining and go back to work.

Seabury Silence

Susie surmises that a side effect of the recent Seabury plague must be that none of us seem to have much to blog about lately. So I'm joining the line of folks blogging about our lack of things to write about (Si, Ryan, Susie), not to mention those who just haven't blogged much recently (notably Jane, though others have also written less this week than usual).

So yeah. Not so much to say.

ponder, ponder

Yes, I'm feeling pondersome tonight. Various discernment-type questions have been floating around my brain lately, and are starting to needle at me a little more than usual. Some of this is because of questions my parents asked while they were here.

I could be more specific, and make this a more interesting and informative post, but I've just spent the evening doing Greek and planning a service for Thecla, so I need to do some reading now for my two (credit) classes tomorrow.

a list!

I can't think of anything useful to post, but it's been a couple of days since I've posted anything, so let's have a list day.

Things that make me happy today:

~Baseball season
~Eucharist (for more than one reason)
~Food
~Warm weather!!!
~Having class outside in the warm weather, barefoot. (Well, I was barefoot. Most people weren't.)
~The prospect of thunderstorms tomorrow.
~The Bible (We've established that I'm a dork. Get over it. :) )
~Brief reading assignments
~Tomorrow is Wednesday, and Wednesdays are looking like my favorite day of the week this term: two excellent classes and no icky ones, noon Eucharist (often with healing), work, and Greek.
~Tomorrow I have Greek!
~Thursday I have spiritual direction. (Not only do I like spiritual direction in general, but it's been a good long time since the last meeting, what with spring break and Holy Week and Easter and all.)

Overall, a satisfying day.

come again?

From one of my pastoral care books:

"In order to model emotions and choose topics, the minister might find a non-sexist approach to counseling helpful"

I'm sorry - might find a non-sexist approach helpful? Under what circumstances is a sexist approach helpful? or even appropriate at all? Why is a non-sexist approach optional?

In addition to the statement itself, I can't decide whether the fact that this is in a book on pastoral counseling for men makes the statement worse or not. I'm leaning toward not - in that it's equally inappropriate for any gender-specific discourse, and only slightly less inappropriate in non-gender-specific discourse (and I do mean "less inappropriate" rather than "more appropriate").

wwjd?

Following this week's discussion about the phrase "doing x makes the baby Jesus cry," today I noticed that a Smith housemate has the following away message:

"being lazy makes the baby jesus want to drink gin out of the cat dish."

I guess there's a first time for everything.

Annunciation practice

(Ok, that's weird... the previous post just appeared today, despite my having told it to publish on Monday.

Hmm. In blogging, would one refer to "the previous post" as "the above post" or "the post below"? I mean, usually previous is above, but that's spatially ridiculous on a blog... Experts?)

No, I haven't been practicing my public speaking. The last few days have been a whirlwind of parental visits, trying to squeeze in some homework, meetings, and a rehearsal today for our Annunciation service on Monday. I'm very excited about this service - it kicks off at least a month of weekly high church worship services at Seabury, it's a Mary-day, and I get to be thurifer (thurifer: one who carries a thurible)! I've never been a thurifer before - I'm not even sure they exist in the diocese of Ohio (or Missouri, for that matter). I've never seen incense used in either place, except for Ohio's annual Boar's Head when the three kings come in with their gold and frankincense and myrrh. I got to spend a fair amount of time rehearsing with someone who actually knew what he was doing (Si, Jane was right about my needing time to practice) and will spend some more time doing so on my own this weekend, now that I have something to practice. It's more complex than any liturgical action I've participated in for a while, but I'm excited. I do love complex liturgical movement and incense both.

Now, however, it's time to try to get an hour or so of reading in tonight before I go to my dinner. One of the consequences of the parental visit is that I'm barely caught up with my work, and I need to get moving on that pronto.